Confessions of a Timeshare tout

 

Confessions of a Timeshare tout

by

Ivor Holliday

PROLOGUE

Koh Samui 2009

Blue skies with scorching sun and the refreshing breeze rolling in from the crystal clear sea of the Gulf of Thailand. As I casually strolled along the endless white sanded beach I came to an old rickety bamboo bridge linking the beach over a stream and onto the coastal path. Across the precarious contraption I ventured gazing down at the dozens of colourful fish in the water below. Across and along I went now shaded by skyscraper tall coconut trees on either side of the path then onto a dusty road leading into the holiday resort of Lamai.

"Sprecken die Deutsch?" came a voice from aloft, I turned round to see an old vespa scooter pull up beside me. The pillion passenger instantly grabbed my attention being that she was wearing the skimpiest of outfits, legs that went on for ever and of Scandinavian origin, the young lad steering pipes up again "Sprecken die Deutsch?".I replied "No I'm English!".In an instant the young blonde female had jumped of the back of the scooter and immediately thrust a selection of scratch cards in my face encouraging me to take one. The lad on the scooter pipes up again in a cheeky chirpy cockney accent"Fank god for that guvnor its like the farther land round here with all these krauts, your the first friendly English person we've met all day, take a scratch card its free and you might even win sum fink. I know what your thinkin nothings free in this world, believe me its just free advertising for the resort hoping that if you win a small prize you'll give good word of mouth advertising when you return home".By now the tall blonde female had moved closer showing of plenty of cleavage with that endearing smile"don't be shy give it a try"she pronounces in a cockney/Skandi accent. Some local Thais had sat down outside one of the bars opposite seeking refuge from the mid day sun the bar was aptly named the Quadraphenia bar I noticed as I checked out the old vespa scooter this pair of touts was using.

What the hell I thought and so I took the scratchcard and hey presto I'd only gone and won the first prize. The touts voices became more exited now congratulating me telling me I'd won them a £50 bonus and me a two week holiday in a five star resort just down the road. I stood there motionless two decades had past since I'd heard this spiel a smile grew on my face until like a sledge hammer blow I jumped two foot in the air and bellowed at the top of my voice"I don't believe it I've won the first prize whheyyy" I then proceeded to kiss the girl on the cheek and shake the lads hand, I was jumping for joy waving my hands around like I'd won the roll over lotto. In the street Tuk Tuks(three wheel taxis) were screeching to a halt wondering what all the commotion was about, the Thais in the bar sat open mouthed staring with confusion and disbelief. Wearing nothing but some khaki shorts and sunglasses I must have looked like an escapee from the lunatic asylum(ting tong in Thai) my celebratory dance went on for a few more minutes with a resounding shout I motioned the two now dumbfounded touts over to the Quadraphenia bar where I rang the bar bell indicating drinks are on me."you have to claim your prize with us now the girl said. I replied"No worries sit down have a drink I'm only messing I've got a story for you......"